I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Congratulations! We have a period
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
