party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
