I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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