in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
