omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
