cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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