hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
