I've blown a few things in my day
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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