Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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