I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I forget how to act sober
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
