Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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