I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Randomize
