why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize