Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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