Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
