It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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