Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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