she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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