I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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