i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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