If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
