You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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