I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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