I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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