The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize