I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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