There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
