I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
