i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
