when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you never un-have a 4some
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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