I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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