I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
