I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
