my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You made out with two different species that night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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