I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
