I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
