do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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