return my video game
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Randomize
