Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
