just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
