I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
