So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize