When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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