i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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