True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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