I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize