the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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