genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
time to smoke my breakfast
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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