On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize