i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
