The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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