Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
