We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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