kristin has been a bad kristin
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'd cum for enchiladas.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
